A new act of contrition has been composed, but opposition from meanies in the CDW and CDF is holding up the official translations -- just kidding!
"Ha! The joke's on you, we aren't going to bother with anything but the Italian version!" said a cardinal who wished to remain unnamed, "it's a pain in the cassock if too many people start reading anything other than the press briefings, and realize what we're actually doing here."
So, the best i can do - my no doubt faulty translation follows:
O my God, I am heartily sorry for, well.... never mind, the details aren't important, and I detest all my sins, because people get all judgy and start reminding me that sins have actual spiritual consequences, but most of all because..... well, no, I guess that's really it.
I firmly resolve, with the help of Your grace, to understand that You don't care how I live my life despite the random objections the Church keeps proposing to various actions and inactions, I guess to keep Herself busy? and to avoid feeling bad about anything.